10 Reasons to Explain Why I Don't Have a Boyfriend

Recently one of my dedicated readers messaged me a question – ‘Hey, Marjorie, I’m so very interested in your life. So I was wondering, why don’t you have a boyfriend?’

I’m kidding. The only dedicated readers I have are people who know me well enough to answer this question themselves.

However, this topic isn’t really out of the blue. I went out to dinner with a wonderful friend on Thursday night (Thai food; so good!) and realized, while she was patiently listening to me talk her ear off, that there are exactly ten solid reasons why some tall, dark-haired, brooding-eyed man has not, so far, swept me off my feet.

Reason #1: I have no filter during meals

Let’s start at the beginning, shall we? While we were eating appetizers, I fell back on one of my popular topics of conversation – my roommate’s cat. This time, however, the conversation had a very direct slant. You see, Billie moved in with us about three weeks ago and is still getting adjusted to the house. Of course, for cats, getting adjusted means getting her scent all over everything. So, naturally, I blurted out: “Oh, so I forgot to tell you that my cat is peeing all over my house.” True? Very. Good topic of conversation for dinner? Probably not…

I'D react that way. 

Reason #2: I love drawing ‘boys are stupid’ posters and putting them up on my walls

Over Thanksgiving break, my sister, who had recently broken up with her literally good-for-nothing-but-being-a-rather-useless-wall boyfriend, was coming to sleep on the floor of my new pad. For me this meant exciting times spent talking all night and watching movies and eating all the chocolate (although that last one is kind of routine for me.) And, when I heard she had broken up with the useless wall, I naturally decided that she and I, the entire time she was here, would have a string of ‘I Hate Boys’ nights. In preparation for this, I drew a bunch of signs and papered them all over my room with some catchy slogans. Here my two favorites:

Flocks of sheep, that is! 

Sherlock Holmes happens to have a magnificent fro today.

Reason #3: Expressive Kitty has taken over my life

I’ve decided to base a novel series, a bakery, and an entire brand on this one, fat cat. That can’t be normal.

Reason #4: I’m too in love with Aiden Turner to acknowledge the existence of other men

Seriously, did you see The Hobbit? Disclaimer: HE IS NOT THAT SHORT IN REAL LIFE! Sheesh, every time I tell someone I’m obsessed with a sexy dwarf they look at me like I’m in the process of growing a third head.

Reason #5: I’ve convinced myself I’m going to die alone in the dark

It’s a choice, darn it! Kidding, kidding…

During Hurricane Sandy I was stuck in my apartment alone. Everything was fine until the transformer blew and the power went out. I started yelling at people over the phone at that point, partly because the service was really bad and partly because I was less scared and more annoyed that I wasn’t having FUN lighting tiny white candles with my roommate's lighter. Reading by candlelight always sounded more poetic in my head. So my parents called to check in on me and I, of course, yelled “I’M GOING TO DIE ALONE IN THE DARK.” Since, then it kind of stuck...

Reason #6: Typical, passionate scenes of romance make me giggle

Oh, sure, in movies it seems all cool when the guy is angry and he suddenly looks deep into a girl’s eyes and realizes he WANTS her right then and there. So he leans in for a long, lingering kiss and she closes her eyes and relents because, although she’d never admit it, she wants him too. Cinema can make this kind of a thing look cool. If a guy was ever angry and then looking passionately into MY eyes, however, I’d kind of just laugh.

It's really funny...

Reason #7: I think flowers are useless

I'm not the most romantic person in the world. And when I get the traditional, sweet, romantic gift of flowers I am rarely pleased. They don't do anything! They sit and take up space and expect you to feed them daily the right amount and if you don't they just LEAVE. And they're also pretty morbid. They serve as a reminder of my inability to care for anything living (I once killed a bamboo plant.)

Reason #8: I spend all of my free time trying to get my roommate's cat to love me 

It's pretty much a full time job that doesn't leave a lot of time for going on dates.

Reason #9: I don't like sharing 

IT'S MY CHOCOLATE! MINE!!

Same goes for bananas.

Reason #10:

Yes. Yes, that actually makes a lot of sense.